


To Mordor!

by shinysparks



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006), The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Did I mention this was crack?, M/M, Please Don't Kill Me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 11:24:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Guy of Gisborne (from BBC Robin Hood,) turns into the One Ring. Hilarity (and leg humping ensue.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Mordor!

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** This is a bit...naughty. And a little slashy. And mentions suicide. And punishes Guy a LOT. So...yeah. Be warned. ;) Also, I originally wanted to make this much LONGER, with Frodo and Sam arguing over their relationship, but the limit was 1000 words. I just couldn't make it all fit. :(
> 
> Written for the crossover challenge at Hoodland. Got honorable mention. :)

“No, Sam.” Said Frodo, shaking his head at his gardener. “This is my burden to bear.”  
“But...only for a little while. I know how hard this is for you. Please...please let me carry the ring for you.” Replied Sam.  
“We’ll do it!” Sméagol spoke up, grinning from ear to ear. “We will carry the Precious! Give it to us!”

“NO!” Frodo and Sam yelled at him, causing Sméagol to frown.  
“Nasty little hobbitses. _Gollum, Gollum_.” He growled quietly.

Sam groaned. “I wish that stupid ring would just grow legs of its own and walk itself into Mordor!” He exclaimed, pointing at the ring sternly.

The ring flashed and smoked. It grew heavier and heavier until Frodo was forced to lay it on the ground. The ring then began to grow in size, swelling until it was larger than the three. It flashed once more, making a very loud pop. When the smoke cleared, the ring was no longer there, replaced by a large, naked man lying in a fetal position.

The man’s eyes shot open, and upon seeing them, he screamed loudly and jumped to his feet. Quickly realizing he was naked, the man cupped his hands over his privates and turned bright red. Sam quickly drew his sword, but Frodo and Sméagol were mesmerized at the sight of the strange, naked man.

“Who are you?!” Shrieked Sam, brandishing his sword.  
“Guy.” The man answered. “Of Gisborne.”  
“What kind of name --” Sam began.  
“PRECIOUS!!!” Interrupted Sméagol, his large eyes growing larger. “IT’S THE PRECIOUS!!!”

Guy watched in horror as the tiny squirrel-like man raced toward him with open arms, grabbing onto his leg tightly. Sméagol then began thrusting his lower half back and forth into Guy’s calf. Guy stared at him and horror, his mouth dropping open.

“Is it good for you, Precious?” Sméagol asked, humping Guy’s leg hard. “It is good for us. Yes!”

Guy screamed. He tossed his leg into the air, kicking furiously as he could. But, Sméagol had a tight grip, and refused to let go. Guy kept screaming and jumping around, and eventually fell backwards over a log, legs flailing in the air. Catching sight of Guy’s other leg, Frodo ran toward him, drooling.

“Mr. Frodo?” Sam asked, watching as he grabbed onto Guy’s free leg.  
“I think I love him, Sam.” Replied Frodo, positioning himself.  
“WHAT?! But...you said you loved me!” Whined Sam, frowning.

Guy panicked, trying to fight off his love-crazed attackers, to no avail. Feeling around on the ground, Guy finally got his hand on a large rock. He grabbed onto it tightly, clobbering both Frodo and Sméagol in the head with it. Both were knocked completely cold; however, neither loosened his grip on Guy’s leg. Fighting his way to his feet, Guy stared up at the dark gray sky. He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten there, or who those strange people were, but there was one thing he was certain of: this was some kind of hell, and he was trapped in it.

* * *

  
Three hours later, Guy sat uncomfortably on a log with Sam’s small cloak wrapped around his waist. Sam had offered him a spare pair of pants; however, as Sméagol and Frodo had refused to let go of either one of his legs, he could not dress himself. He stared at them, sneering. Both had fallen asleep with a death grip on his legs and muttering naughty things about the “Precious” in their sleep. Occasionally, one would get touchy-feely, grabbing onto parts of Guy’s anatomy and squeezing hard. Guy quickly found the rock (which he’d lovingly named “Jasmine,”) made a wonderful deterrent. In fact, he couldn’t help but wonder how the one called Sméagol was still breathing at that point, being cracked upside the head so many times.

But, for the moment, things were quiet, and he was thankful. He took a deep breath and lightly fingered the large stab wounds that now adorned his smooth chest - all self-inflicted, of course. After losing Marian, Guy had thought about killing himself many times, but never quite had the courage to do it. However, being sucked into a strange world and then leg-humped by a small man and a large squirrel with boundary issues tended to make things a bit easier.

He did not die, though, or even bleed. The sword passed through him cleanly, leaving being only tears in his skin. He couldn’t quite understand it.

“So,” Said Sam. “I guess you really are the ring.”  
“Huh?” He muttered.  
“The ring cannot be destroyed.” Sam told him. “Except in the fires of Mount Doom. In Mordor.”  
Guy eyes grew wide. “Really?”  
Sam nodded. “It’s the only place where the ring - or you, I guess - can be unmade.”

Guy slowly stood up. “What are we waiting for, then?”  
“No, no, no.” Sam sputtered. “One does not simply walk into Mordor. There is evil there that does not sleep!”

Suddenly, a hand shot up and grabbed onto Guy’s butt cheek, pinching hard and causing Guy to squeal and jump.

“We loves you, Precious.” Sméagol muttered, still talking in his sleep. “You and your squishy bum. Squishy, squishy bum!”

Guy stared at Sam pleadingly as Sméagol played with his buttocks, and Sam quickly understood: after this, Mordor would be a piece of cake.

“Okay.” Said Sam, sighing. “We’re walking into Mordor!”

Sam began packing their supplies and Guy quickly whacked Sméagol upside the head once more, causing him to slide his hand off Guy’s butt. Sam also handed Guy a sword, eyeing him cautiously after the previous suicide attempt. Guy took it, wrapping it around his waist.

“Are you really going to throw yourself into the fires of Mount Doom?” Asked Sam, as he and Guy started walking.

Guy sighed, gazing down at Sméagol and Frodo, still snoozing and madly in love.

“Only if I can take them with me.” He said.


End file.
